Lost in Translation?

"Sprachgitter" by Paul Celan
Translated by Michael Hamburger

"Language Mesh"

"Eye's roundness between the bars.

Vibratile monad eyelid
propels itself upward,
releases a glance.

Iris, swimmer, dreamless and dreary;
the sky, heart-grey, must be near.

Athwart, in the iron holder,
the smoking splinter.
By its sense of light
you divine the soul.

(If I were like you. If you were like me.
Did we not stand
under one trade wind?
We are strangers.)

The flagstones. On them,
close to each other, the two
heart-grey puddles:
two
mouthsfull of silence."

Here's my attempt at a different translation:

"Speech Bars"

"Eye's circle between the bars.

Fluttering lid
struggles upward,
lets loose a look.

Iris, swimmer, dreamless and sad,
the sky, heart-gray, must be near.

Slant, in the iron sheath,
the smoking splinter.
By sense of light
you discern the soul.

(Were I like you. Were you like me.
Do we not stand
under one gale?
We are strangers.)

The flagstones. On them
thick together, both
heartgray puddles;
two
fullmouthed silences."

I'll give my interpretation soon.