So my son was born a few days ago...

so I thought I'd record a few thoughts and feelings on being a new dad before I forget.  It's a little hard to do, since my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place lately, but here goes:

1.  Hearing my little guy's first cry in the operating room (he was born by cesarean section) was a profound moment for both M and me.  I remember being anxious and confused for about 5 minutes as the doctors worked behind a blue curtain they had put up to shield us from the blood and guts.  M couldn't see anything, but I could see the doctors' faces, and they seemed to be working hard.  Then the first cry happened, and I remember being flooded with relief and happiness that the procedure had been successful.  We decided on a name in that first moment -- he will be known as N on this blog -- and it was one of the best moments of my life.

2.  The first week of N's life was spent in the neonatal intensive care unit -- the word that keeps coming to mind to describe this experience is "searing" -- as in intensely painful and scary, but purifying in some ways and effective in crystallizing our love for the little guy.  M was also in the hospital for four days recovering from the operation, and her desire to see and hold her baby was great, so we went down to the NICU as soon as possible and a couple of times late at night/early morning just to ease her mind and allow her to hold him.  Those times were sweet and he did do pretty well, but seeing him connected to all the monitors and wires was hard.  Describing the NICU as an emotional roller coaster doesn't quite do it justice -- almost every time we went down there was new information to absorb, a new situation to resolve with the nurses or the guests we had with us, or a new report from the doctors.  Doctors and nurses have different philosophies and ways of doing things, and I remember at one point being so desperate for information that I flagged down the doctor and asked her to show me the X-rays.  Not that I would really understand what they were showing me, but I needed something concrete to hold onto, and at least the doctor was willing to show them to me.  The reason he was put in NICU initially was that his lungs were not completely developed -- he had some fluid in his lungs, then rapid breathing, then jaundice -- all of which he eventually overcame.  After the first four days, we had to drive back and forth to the hospital, but we still tried to make it to each of his daytime feedings, which was hard to do since we both needed to rest and we were both so anxious.  Those days were hard, too, but at least we were able to sleep in our own bed.  The doctors and nurses in the NICU were very good from what I could tell, and we were happy to be discharged after a week.  After this experience I have so much respect for those families who have to spend weeks and weeks with their newborns in NICU, and I honestly don't know how they do it.

3.  Balancing family and friends' desires to see N and to help has also been a bit of a challenge -- we appreciate all the help and support that family and friends have given and offered, and we know it was good to have so much support.  Some of M's family came from California on the first weekend after the birth, and we were able to share the NICU experience with many of them.  My parents also came to visit at various times, and they also went back to the NICU with us.  At the same time, we were anxious and exhausted and trying to learn how to care for N while he was in the NICU by providing breast milk, etc., so one of the first things I had to do when M's family was all there was send them out of the hospital room so M could pump breast milk.  M's sisters were very understanding of this situation, so they helped tremendously by giving us some time to ourselves that afternoon and by being supportive when they were with us.

4.  The second week of N's life, after he came home with us, has been wonderful and exhausting.  The first night involved more anxiety about N's breathing, and none of us got a lot of sleep.  Some of the furniture in the nursery still needed to be set up because he came a little earlier than expected, and we weren't sure how it was all going to work.  I was even anxious about holding him, because I had never really held a baby before, and one of the NICU therapists had made a comment about keeping his chin off his chest that really freaked me out -- I didn't want to block his breathing after it had been such an issue.  Now it seems that he is not as fragile as we thought he was, and we can be proud parents and not worry quite as much.  We are learning every day that there are different aspects of his life that we can make as comfortable and secure as possible, and we are gradually growing into that role of parents.  We still aren't getting a lot of sleep and don't expect to for a while.

5.  I have told M many times since N's birth, I don't know how single parents do this.  It takes two of us to do so many things, and we rely on each other so much for basic things like showering and going to the store, that it seems impossible for any one person to do on their own.  This observation is coming from a parent with all of two weeks' experience, so I'm sure it must get better, but still, I don't know how single parents do it.

I think that's it for now, but I wanted to get these things out of my head and into the blogosphere.  Feel free to comment if you'd like.  I'm hoping these thoughts will be preserved for future reference.